for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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