I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
