My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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