I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
her vagine was all disorganized.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
