Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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