Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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