The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
zippers are such a cool invention
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
