I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
