I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
