Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
