it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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