I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
