I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
