Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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