i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
