he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
