just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
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I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
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I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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