just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
