im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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