just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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