That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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