I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
