just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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