i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
