why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
