He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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