I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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