dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
