You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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