i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Randomize
