Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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