Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
