During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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