tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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