as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
