I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
