what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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