On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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