Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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