remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The air was thick with penises
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
