I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
