I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
