Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
