a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
