it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
