So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
