Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
