I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
