Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
