How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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