im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
