White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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