i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
