Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
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we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
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Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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