Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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