I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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