I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
