The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
