if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
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He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
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this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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