wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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