We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
